# 3 On honesty 💿
Why it might not always be the best policy.
Holaaaa my digital community! How are you? How’s January treating you? Has anyone else been insanely emotional? I always find this to be a very weird month. Anyway, this week’s sticky thought has to do with honesty. I know you have some Sunday blues to get to so LETS GET TO IT.
There’s a phrase I recently heard on a Taylor Swift song (yes I love TS, always have always will #13 iykyk) that said:
“So casually cruel in the name of being honest.”
And it got me thinking about honesty.
You know how honesty is supposed to be the best policy? Well I’m not so sure anymore.
Now, when I say honesty I don’t mean CAPS-LOCK BOLD truths like “I cheated on you” “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m a serial killer” by all means, the other person deserves to know. This type of honesty sets people free (and keeps them alive).
What I’m talking about is the other type of honesty, the unabashed expression of thoughts/feelings/questions/opinions that might be meant for our (inner) ears only.
I find these usually fall under one of two (made-up) categories:
Unnecessary
Undigested
A. UNNECESSARY TRUTHS:
These are actually critiques disguised as honesty. Saying “that dress looks horrible on you” is NOT honesty dude, it’s called being mean. If it regards someone else’s appearance, unless they have like a boob hanging out (if it’s intentional good for you), you KEEP. IT. TO. YOURSELF. I know this might be a polarizing statement but I think people try to get away with unkindness by calling it honesty. Let’s just let people enjoy their horrible haircuts.
B. UNDIGESTED TRUTHS:
Well, now we’ve hit the jackpot (I’m going to ramble for a bit but stick with me I have a point).
These “undigested truths” my friends, is one I struggle with immensely because I’m a fantastic combination of over-thinker & over-sharer (I blame my parents.). On one side I’ll over analyze every single aspect of my life and end up with a million imaginary storylines and possible outcomes for each. This will result in me worrying excessively over things that might possibly-perhaps-just-maybe happen. I’ll question fucking everything, all of my thoughts are under constant surveillance. I’ll think of something and then immediately start questioning why I’m thinking that, and what does it mean that I’m even thinking that, and so on for all eternity. Yes, this is exhausting and yes I’m trying to deal with it (I’m one worried brain cell away from tattooing YOLO on my wrist to see if that helps). But anyway, the FUN PART here, is that on top of that, because I’m an over-sharer, I’ll share this hellish labyrinth of divagations with those closest to me.
And you know what the problem is? A lot of these thoughts and feelings -which I immediately think are life-altering truths that MUST BE ADDRESSED- aren’t fully real. Some (the majority) are just transitory thoughts which will later dissolve like effervescent vitamin C.
The thing is, sometimes we offer these under-cooked truths for someone else to eat and they can get metaphorically (actually, also literally) sick. They can be confusing, hurtful and possibly worrying because they’ll probably take our word for it. When in reality, we don’t even know what to make of them yet, we haven’t processed them throughly to know if they’re of substance. And thing is, words aren’t written with dry-erase markers, so when you change your mind or forget about it the other will most likely not.
Why do we do this? Well, for selfish reasons. I think exteriorizing it serves US, because it will relieve OUR confusion and calm OUR anxieties. But it’s not fair, cause I’m just transferring those feelings to the other so that they’ll deal with it too.
Now, I know you might be thinking “but it isn’t healthy to keep it all to yourself”. I KNOW. Hell, #mentalhealthmatters has been trending for a while now (and obviously I can’t keep thoughts to myself or else this newsletter wouldn’t exist). So what I’m thinking might be a good middle ground to keep you (me) sane and the other person free of responsibility, is this:
Sharing these “truths” with someone unrelated to said truth. If you’re over-thinking an aspect of your relationship, share it with a friend. If you’re over-thinking an aspect of your friendship, share it with your mom. If you’re over-thinking an aspect of your parental relationship, share it with a therapist. You get the gist. (I know this might sound obvious but clearly its not because it took me 27 years to figure it out).
I guess what I’m trying to say is:
JUST LISTEN TO TAYLOR SWIFT.
Thoughts? (Not on Taylor Swift I will not accept any criticism, bye).
Something to listen in the car with the windows down:
Something to think about from this AMAZING book by David Searcy:
“There’s you, and then there’s the you that knows there’s you. And in the gap between the two - and we’re always in that gap- we’re migratory. Back and forth. Like desert pastoralists always crossing and arriving. Somehow never quite arrived.”
Con amor, 🕊